I trusted you

I like to think I don’t have an issue with trusting people. Whether that makes me stupid and naive I don’t know.

When someone new comes into your life and makes you feel special, you think you don’t have to have an issue with trusting them.

Those ‘it’s too good to be true’ romances are the most painful to deal with when it ends. Because that thought did come into your mind but you looked past it and trusted them anyway. Trusted that they would be different and trust that your trust would make them act right. Because you’re trusting them with your heart, emotions and feelings. But it didn’t make them act right.

It was Those ‘you’re so beautiful’ at 11 at night when I had no makeup on and those ‘you’re different, I’ve never met a girl like you before’ that made me thank God for giving me someone who appreciated me for exactly who I am. With no filter.

But it was also those corrections – ‘you can’t speak to people like that just because you’re angry’ that made me thank God for him even more. Because that’s someone who cares. Someone who will correct me, despite whether I liked what I was hearing or not.

He trusted me. He opened up to me. And I let him know that as long as we were together I’d be by his side.

The 5am phonecalls. The 2 hour long phonecalls. How did I have so much to say to someone who I had only known for such a short time. When I say the bond was there from the beginning.. it was really there.

And then one day, nothing… I knew it was too good to be true.

I always hear of other girls going through it. But me? With him? I didn’t think it was possible.

One day I was everything he wanted and the next day he gave me nothing. But I’m a fighter and I’ll fight for what I want. But when the other person so clearly doesn’t want you, there’s no amount of fighting you can do.

I cried.. oh I cried. ‘You’re stupid’, ‘you’re too trusting’, ‘you’re naive’ is all I had running through my head for weeks and I thought the pain wouldn’t go away.

You spend all your time with this person and so when it stops, you feel helpless, lonely and depressed. I couldn’t stop asking myself what I did wrong, what I could have done or what I should have done.

I’m still hurting but I realise that it had nothing to do with me. You can’t blame yourself for other people’s careless actions.

Next time all I can do is be careful and guard my heart. Because this is my first heartbreak and I’ve never felt anything like it.

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Thank you for 18.

Yesterday I turned 18 years old and I couldn’t let this birthday pass me by without saying thank you to the one who made this possible. To the one who had mercy on me to see 18.

If you know my story you not that the fact that I’m alive to see 18 is a miracle in itself but to be HAPPY as well? Wow.

Depression tried to cut my life short but there’s a God who’s hand has never left my left, who’s mercies are new every morning, who’s love is deeper than any love there is.

At 12 I was having suicidal thoughts everyday and I was self harming and by 15 I had attempted suicide 3 times. One time I had downed almost 30 pills. But God still kept me. You see when you have been in such a sunken, low and dark place like I have for so long, you begin to lose hope. Will things ever get better? Will I ever feel loved? Will this sadness ever stop? But God stepped in, took over and showed me a love I have never experienced before. Gods love can not be described nor put into words.

This God saw my pain and heard my cry and had mercy on me. This is why I’m so happy today on my 18th birthday. I was supposed to be dead. Gone. But God said no. And when God says no, he means no. I will never not brag about what God has done for me. He literally took me from my miry clay and set my feet upon the rock.

Jesus, my Father, my hero, my healer and my saviour. I will serve you with my life because you SAVED my life. The girl who thought she was unlovable has been shown the greatest love there is. Without you Jesus I am nothing. I love you my Father I will never be able to thank you enough for finding me worthy❤️. Thank you for 18.

I thank Me✨

Everyone is always talking about how we should be grateful to others. How we should never forget to appreciate what others have done for us. It’s always simultaneously about others. What they’ve done. What they haven’t done. Life is made to be so much about OTHERS. And whether we believe others have benefitted us or not, we tend to thank them anyway. Because that’s what the world tells us to do.

But what are you thankful to yourself for? Many people will avoid that question and never get a chance to answer it in their lifetime. But not me.

I’m thankful to myself for more things than I’m thankful to anyone else for. Minus God.

I’m thankful to myself for always being strong and for never giving up. For waking up and feeling like my whole world is crashing down but still getting up and doing life anyway. I’m thankful to myself for the ability to make others laugh and comfort others even though I’m on the verge of suicide myself. I’m thankful to myself for the ability to listen to other people’s problems and give them advice even though they’ve never even stopped to ask how I’m doing. I’m thankful to myself for loving myself unapologetically. I’m thankful to myself for taking time to heal from a childhood of trauma that wasn’t my fault. I’m thankful to myself for making sure that I built my confidence and didn’t stay in a pit of low self esteem. I’m thankful to myself for knowing my worth and walking away from relationships that don’t reflect how worthy I am (even if it takes longer than necessary at times). I am thankful to myself for owning who I am and simply being ME.

No one likes to stop and thank themselves. But if you took a moment out your day to reflect on how much you do for yourself and how IMPORTANT what you do for yourself and others is. You’d thank yourself a lot more. There is nothing wrong with appreciating yourself.

💓LOVE YOURSELF💓

Raw. Real. Uncut

These past couple of days have been horrible. I don’t know what’s happened but my mental health has taken a drastic turn for the worst. I’ve cried myself to sleep for the past three days and not known exactly why I’m crying. I’ve felt myself sinking lower and lower. I’m getting suicidal thoughts again. I’m losing sleep, appetite and the motivation to do anything.

This hurts so much. It hurts building yourself up for months, trying to get your mental health in tact again and then hitting rock bottom again. I’m screaming so loud for help why can’t anyone hear me? I’m sick of reaching out to people and showing them my vulnerable side only for their reply to be as dead as I feel inside. This is hard, it’s exhausting. What do I do? Where do I go from here? I’ve never felt so lost before.

I’m looking for something to satisfy me, to fill me. I feel so empty, so numb, so sad. I curse the day I first got depressed. It’s destroying me. All the hope I had, it’s slowly slipping away. I literally feel like I’m alone, in a room full of people.

All I want is help. Someone help me. Because I can’t help myself.

What’s more damaging: an absent father or a toxic mother?

What’s more damaging? An absent father or a toxic mother?

I’ve pondered on this question for a while now and can’t seem to come to a conclusion. My mum and dad split up when I was 9 and after that, my dad stopped playing any part in my life. I remember so many nights going to sleep crying because I missed my dad but also because I wondered why I wasn’t good enough for a relationship with him.

I saw all my friends with their dads.. even ones who’s parents had split up and I was confused. Where did it go wrong? Where did I go wrong? I remember facing so many battles and going through so many things and only wanting my dad to comfort me. He was so close but so far away. My dad was truly the first man to break my heart. I grew to hate my dad because he caused me so much pain. I still wanted a relationship with him despite what he put me and my family through and he didn’t want one at all.

I’ve forgiven him now. But he still does the bare minimum. Giving me allowance here and there. Oh dad, if only you knew I don’t want your money. I want your time, effort and love. It’s so cliche and common that people don’t take it seriously. But I honestly did begin to look for love in other places because I felt unworthy and I wasn’t getting it from the one person I wanted it from the most.

So many other circumstances and situations led me to make several wrong decisions growing up. I was also badly behaved in secondary school which meant I was always in trouble. I’m not like my sister you see, and that’s now that I’ve changed. Before, I was NOTHING like my sister.

I was the bad one.

The rude one.

The angry one.

The depressed and suicidal one.

The evil one.

When I started going downhill, my relationship with my mum deteriorated. She was always angry with me. I hated being at home, so I started drinking more, smoking more. Becoming more rebellious… which made my mum more angry.

When I eventually decided to leave the church I was at during that time, everything got worse. I was now getting called evil by my mum for being able to up and leave a church just like that. I was always called angry and my mum and sister would always speak about me behind my back. I was honestly the black sheep. I didn’t feel like I had a home anymore. I wanted to run away.

For a long time home wasn’t home and my family weren’t my family. I had no family. ‘Home’ became so toxic. My mum became toxic. I was never good enough even when I started to change.

So that brings me to the question: what’s more damaging? An absent father or a toxic mother? Well. What do you think?

My dads absence affects me till this day. I know an absent father doesn’t affect everyone but it definitely did me. I needed my dad, I still need him. And although my mum was here physically she wasn’t there mentally or emotionally. My answer is this: An absent father is just as damaging as a toxic mother. You know why? Because a child needs both their parents. Mother and father. If a child didn’t then you wouldn’t need a man and a woman to reproduce. There’s things my mum couldn’t teach me that my dad was supposed to teach me.. like what to not settle for in a guy and how much I’m worth. But he didn’t, if anything he’s a perfect example of what I don’t want in a guy. And there’s things my dad couldn’t teach me that my mum was supposed to teach me but because we weren’t mentally and emotionally connected.. she didn’t. Having an absent father robbed me off my self worth and ability to be sure of myself and love myself. Something I had to consciously act on and improve as I grew older. Having a toxic mother made that more difficult. I’m not a mother but there’s a way to correct your daughter if they are going down the wrong path. And to call them demeaning names and treat them like the black sheep is not the way. I love my mum more than anything and as I look back I see that she tried her best, she did all SHE knew. And this is why everyday of my life I consciously work towards becoming better parents to my children than my dad and mum were to me. God forbid I suffer this much only to be the same toxic parent my mum was. Each day I ensure that I have healed and if I find I haven’t, I work towards doing so. And so now, one of my biggest goals in life is to give my future children a childhood they won’t have to recover from. Therefore I will work everyday of my life to ensure I do just that.

Letter from my future self to my current self.

This was in my drafts for so long I even forgot about it, but reading it now has given me hope and just motivated me. I hope it can motivate you!

Dear 17 year old me,

Look at you, you turned out just fine.

You with your children and God fearing husband.

You worried for nothing. You have everything you wished for and more.

You’re in a job as a counsellor and you love it. You love sharing your story with others in the hopes that it will inspire and help someone else.

Everyday you wake up and you love what you do, you’re happy with your life… I know you never thought you could be.

You made your mum proud, you gave her a reason to boldly say ‘that’s my daughter’.

And those addictions you thought would hold you hostage for the rest of your life? You overcame them.

And God is so proud of you.

The odds were held against you. You had every reason in the book not to come out on top, not to be successful. Your past, your story, people expected you to be a statistic. But you did it.

All those nights you cried wondering will anyone ever love you? First of all, God loved you before you were even born and everyone around you loves you so much too.

You’ve found a man to love your children how you always longed to be loved by your Dad.

You’re an author of your very own book, like you always wanted.

You’re just out here doing everything you thought you couldn’t.

So all I can say to you now is just keep going sweetie, keep doing what you’re doing, keep fighting even if you don’t feel like it.

I promise you’re gunna get rewarded beyond your expectations.

Some days it looks dark and sometimes it looks impossible but it’s far from it, your best days are yet to come.

Ohh little did you know when God said that ‘Beloved, I wish above all things that thou mayest prosper and be in health, even as thy soul prospereth’ that he had planned exactly how you were going to prosper.

Hunny, give yourself a break and be patient. You’re a queen and before you know it everything you deserve and want will be right there in front of you. You didn’t suffer for nothing👑

Love from your future self❤️

My physical scars.

Disclaimer: this blog post is about self harm. If you aren’t interested or are uncomfortable about this topic please refrain from reading further. For those who do wish to read, thank you and phone numbers of helpful places will be at the end of this post.

Before I start. Yes. Black people self harm too.

When I was 12 years old, I cut myself for the first time.

At the time I was being severely bullied at school and dealing with the divorce of my parents. I felt lost, numb and very confused during this period of time. I didn’t know about depression like I do now. Before this point I was such a happy girl, I didn’t know how to deal with this sudden change.

I had heard about self harm, the more common form – cutting. I thought it was weird. How could people willingly take a sharp object to their skin and cut themselves? It was truly beyond me.

But then I did it. And it caused me to feel a great sense of relief. Although I still thought it was strange and so I didn’t do it again for a long time. I would often do that. Take long breaks from it and then do it again.

My issue was seeing the scars, it made me feel disgusting. But they would disappear after weeks and then I’d feel better and forget that feeling of disgust. So I would go back.

My mental health deteriorated as I got older and things were looking even more hopeless. By the age of 15, I was self harming, smoking, drinking, fornicating, and extremely suicidal. I hit my lowest. I didn’t want to be alive. And everyday I was, killed me a little more inside.

I remember a point where I was cutting myself everyday just to keep me sane. Back then I thought, yes I’m harming myself but I’m making it through another day, I’m still alive.

I was numb to the pain I was inflicting on myself and I just didn’t care.

In that short period of time where I was harming myself everyday, I created more scars than I had in my whole history of cutting myself. And these scars didn’t disappear like my other did. Though not as visible anymore, they are definitely still there till today. And a reminder of what I did to myself.

I don’t know what to think when I see my scars sometimes. Sometimes I think “why did you do that?” And I’ll feel a rush of regret and embarrassment. But others times it’s a reminder of what I made it through.

In no way do I condone self harming at all because it is nothing but a plot from the devil to destroy you because no one deserves that. But if I didn’t go through that period I may not have stopped.

I have emotional wounds and scars too but maybe they’re a little bit easier to deal with because I don’t have to physically see them everyday.

Now that I’m thinking of the help I received to help me stop I realised I got none apart from the help of God. The one who demonstrated His love for me when I was at my lowest and I didn’t even know him or believe in him. And the one who demonstrates His love to me every single morning as He wakes me up.

Depression and the effects that has come with it, such as self harm has hands down been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. There’s been so many nights where I’ve wanted it all to end, I’ve literally prayed for God to kill me and take me away. It gets like that. I wish people understood the magnitude of mental health issues. It’s NOT a joke.

As I write this, I realise cutting myself wasn’t the only form of harm I was inflicting on myself. As I mentioned I was smoking, drinking, and fornicating. All those things were enough to not only harm me but kill me. And I just want to encourage others that you’re not alone and you’ll be okay. Never lose hope and don’t ever think you’re not worth it. There’s a God who loves you unconditionally and is ready to help you if only you’ll come to Him.

Today I’m almost two years free from cutting myself. My depression hasn’t gone away but I’m in a much healthier place than I used to be. And you can be too.

As a saved Christian now, I know now that it wasn’t simply ‘self harm’. It was just another thing the devil used in an attempt to destroy me. The fact that I thought that was okay and acceptable tells it all.

Helplines –

Speak to God, He saved me. He can save you too.

Childline : 0800 1111

Mind.org.uk

CAMHS

Samaritans : 116 123 (UK)